


kites

by marblemugs



Series: thoughts [4]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: are open, bcs sichengs eyes, its ok tho, kites, uwu, yeehaw, yuta is a blind man, yuwin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-09-30 20:06:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17230391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marblemugs/pseuds/marblemugs





	kites

you look unbearably happy right now. it's not that i don't want you to be happy, because i do. it's just that you smile as if you're trying to blind the sun and i'm going blind, too. you're laughing about that kite as if it's the funniest joke you've ever heard and i know it's just because you're happy but still - you're so silly. you make me smile. 

as much as i love watching you and your kites i wish you'd hurry it up. it's rather cold out and i'm frozen from head to toe. the wind's making your cheeks flush and that's absolutely beautiful on you but i'm sure i look like something akin to a raspberry. you've said this is your last fly about six times and i'm wondering what's the truth. and now you're running towards me, kite in hand, for what purpose i can only guess. i can, however, anticipate you throwing yourself onto me - yes, there it is - and wow, your nose is cold. 

"let's go home now, yuta." 

it's about time. i think your hands are even colder than mine. it's a good thing we live so close to the park or else we'd be icicles by the time we got through the front door. somehow you still have so much energy, bouncing along the sidewalk like one of those rubber balls. i can only hope to trail you. maybe that's how you're keeping yourself warm.

"yuta,"

you're turning around now, and there are stars in your eyes - wow, that is cliché, but how else do i describe you?

"yuta, are you going to have work today?" 

no. i did it yesterday so i could be with you today. 

"can we just - um - can we just snuggle when we get home? i don't feel like doing anything else today." 

you're so cute. you're absolutely breaking my heart but i can't ever tell you no. it's not right, this whole - me indulging you with affection and everything else you ask me for. it's not, especially when you've told me again and again that you're not looking for a relationship. it's not right for  _me_. i could give you all the stars in the sky and you'd build yourself a tower with them so high i could never reach you. and it's not your fault. it's not your fault for thinking that all of this is okay, that it's okay with me, because i've never told you otherwise. you bring me to my knees, sicheng. it's okay if you don't want to be with me, it's just that i can't help tumbling head over heels for you. i'm never going to overstep the boundaries you've laid out but that doesn't mean i don't want you. 

it hurts when you curl up under my chin like that, tapping off-beat patterns on my arm, humming like you could do this for the rest of your days. because no matter how far i fall in love with you it'll never be right. i've never been enough for you and i know, i know i shouldn't feel so inadequate just because of one person but sicheng, you matter so much to me, and knowing that i'll never be exactly what you want physically hurts. 

"what are you thinking about?" 

please don't do that. i know if i cry you'll worry but i can't help it. i give you so much of myself and i get nothing in return and even then, sicheng, it's not your fault. it's my fault. my fault for being willing to give myself away like that. i feel absolutely horrible because this was never your intention, and i know if it was up to you you'd make it all go away, and if you ever found out it'd shatter you and you'd feel obligated to do something about it and that's not what i want. i don't want you to ever feel like you have to date me because i care about you. i'm conflicted and indecisive and that's a weight i don't want you to have to carry. 

"nothing, love. don't worry about it." 

you're looking at me with those eyes, the pleading ones that tell me you know something's wrong and you won't rest until you know what it is. dammit, sicheng. can't you stay in the dark just this once?

"yuta, you're crying..." 

am i? i didn't notice. i hadn't meant to.

"'m homesick." 

i know you don't believe me. you can see right through me. that's what six years will do, i suppose. but i don't know what else to tell you. i certainly can't tell you the truth. 

"that's not it," you're moving now, shuffling to sit up, and i want you to stay down there where i can't see you. "that's not it. yuta, what's wrong? did i do something?" 

no, it wasn't you. it's never you. you never do anything wrong. it's  _me_ , sicheng. it's me being stupid. you make me absolutely stupid and i hate it. you're looking at me like it's your fault and it isn't. 

"yuta..." 

don't talk like that, that whisper thing, please don't do that. i can't handle it. not now, not here - not when it's just us. 

"i did something, didn't i? you won't look me in the eye and i -" sicheng, please. it's not you. i promise it's not your fault. 

 

...what are you doing? 

don't play with me like this. please. please don't do this. i'm holding on to the thinnest shred of my resolve and please, please, you're hurting me. this isn't what you want, sicheng. it's not me. you've told me time and time again what it is you want and it's never been me. it's not me this time, either. i couldn't handle it if even after this you told me i'm not what you want. don't - 

"yuta," god, you're so close, so close i can see where your makeup has folded a little into your smile lines. "yuta, 'm gonna kiss you." 

"...okay." 

jesus, you feel good. you're warm and soft and i could kiss you forever. you're making these little noises that make me weak in the knees, nevermind that we're laying down. and you taste like the mandu we had for lunch. everything about you is so endearing. 

it's you. it's always been you. it's you and your giggling laughter, it's you and your kites, it's you and your jumbled korean and your voice change when you switch languages. it's you and your morning coffee, even though you don't like coffee, and your square smile, and your platonic crush on the lead singer of n.flying. it's you, sicheng.

you and your cold little nose nuzzling into my neck, mumbling that you've loved me since the day we met. 

 


End file.
